Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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