Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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