my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
