I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
