allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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