she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
