i think my mom watched the whole time
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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