That's when you crack a 10am beer
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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