I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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