but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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