I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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