I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
