I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
