There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
