so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
