Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Randomize
