I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
