I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
