my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
