He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
