he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
