The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
did i walk over a car last night?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Randomize
