god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
