i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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