You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
