I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
