What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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