yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Randomize
