Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
