Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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