I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
