I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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