Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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