i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
