A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
then he tried to convert me to islam
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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