i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
When did angry sex become our thing?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
