I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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