so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
just found out that she named her cat after me.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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