i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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