I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
