You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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