We named our party play list daddy issues
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
