Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
