I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
