What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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