I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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