I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
