Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
