Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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