I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
