what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
