There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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